SEEMS I'VE GOT TO HAVE A CHANGE OF SCENES
CAUSE EVERYNIGHT I HAVE THE STRANGEST DREAMS
IMPRISONED BY THE WAY IT COULD HAVE BEEN
LEFT HERE ON MY OWN OR SO IT SEEMS
I'VE GOT TO LEAVE BEFORE I START TO SCREAM
SOMEONE LOCKED THE DOOR AND TURNED THE KEY
FEELING ALRIGHT
I'M NOT FEELING TOO GOOD MYSELF
--Joe Cocker
Long time, no write. Lots of news to catch up on. I started on a massive dose of steroids (80 mg/day initially) and have been tolerating them remarkably well. These are Prednisone which different than what I had been taking (Decadron). I have been sleeping 6 1/2 hours night without any of "Mother's Little Helpers" (Lunesta). I do sleep a couple of hours longer with the Lunesta, but despite what they say, there is a hangover effect. The steroids appear to be working, and my cough has all but disappeared. It reappeared over the weekend, but seems to be better on Monday, worse on Tuesday and Wednesday. We took a picture of the lung. A little bit of improvement but not much. Going to continue on the steroid course until further notice.
We had a great Thanksgiving this year. Melissa outdid herself with dinner, and I think most everyone agreed. The only bummer was that it was so good that there wasn't any leftover gravy, and only about 2 lbs. of turkey (out of 22 lbs.) left. The leftovers after everyone is gone is one of my favorite parts of Thankgiving. Given that the over/under on my life span according to the doctors (and most of the medical literature) is up on November 12, 2007, I can't help but thinking that this was my last Thanksgiving, next month is my last Christmas, and so on. I usually don't dwell on this stuff, but I have been crying a lot lately and not sleeping very well the past few nights.
My youngest sister, Stephanie, got engaged on Sunday onher drive home to Chicago. It's nice to have some good news for a change. She's talking about a wedding in Des Moines in August which works out well for me.
I'm going to the Army/Navy football game in Philly this weekend with Dad. We're leaving tomorrow morning bright and early. It should be a good time.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
[P]Neumon[itis]
The Operation was a Success, But the Patient Died
"Hello, Newman."--Jerry Seinfeld
"What, me worry?"--Alfred E. Neuman
I thought I had something simple like pneumonia, but NO-O-O-O. It now appears that I have something called pneumonitis which is an inflammation of the lung tissue, caused by either radiation or possibly chemotherapy. I'm going to confer with Dr. Heddinger tomorrow, but he was ready to go with the steroids without seeing me. We've basically ruled out everything else already. Treatment consists of a 3 month course of massive amounts of steroids. I'll basically be up 21 hours/day between now and February 15. I'll say hello to Santa for y'all.
P.S. for "the uncle"--Passing the drug test at the NFL combine is going to be a bitch.
"Hello, Newman."--Jerry Seinfeld
"What, me worry?"--Alfred E. Neuman
I thought I had something simple like pneumonia, but NO-O-O-O. It now appears that I have something called pneumonitis which is an inflammation of the lung tissue, caused by either radiation or possibly chemotherapy. I'm going to confer with Dr. Heddinger tomorrow, but he was ready to go with the steroids without seeing me. We've basically ruled out everything else already. Treatment consists of a 3 month course of massive amounts of steroids. I'll basically be up 21 hours/day between now and February 15. I'll say hello to Santa for y'all.
P.S. for "the uncle"--Passing the drug test at the NFL combine is going to be a bitch.
Feedback and...
the Hawkeyes on Cheap Street.
It's been nice getting feedback from everyone I know and don't know. Talking to a wall, while it can be therapeutic outlet, does eventually get old once you figure out the wall isn't going to say anything back no matter how long you talk. So thanks for the feedback everyone near and far.
We had our huge family and friends tailgate (roughly 20 people) for the Hawks' last home game. They disappointed as they have all season, once again blowing a winnable game. What a disappointing season. I lasted about 1 1/2 quarters inside the game, and then came out and watched the remainder of the game from the van we rented on the stadium big screen. It was nice seeing family and friends that we don't get to see very often. It looks like the Hawks and their families will be spending Christmas in Detroit for the Motor City Bowl which, if memory serves, is on December 26. Uh, thanks, but as tempting as that sounds, I think Melissa and I will be sitting this one out. For the first time in six years, we will miss the bowl game.
It's been nice getting feedback from everyone I know and don't know. Talking to a wall, while it can be therapeutic outlet, does eventually get old once you figure out the wall isn't going to say anything back no matter how long you talk. So thanks for the feedback everyone near and far.
We had our huge family and friends tailgate (roughly 20 people) for the Hawks' last home game. They disappointed as they have all season, once again blowing a winnable game. What a disappointing season. I lasted about 1 1/2 quarters inside the game, and then came out and watched the remainder of the game from the van we rented on the stadium big screen. It was nice seeing family and friends that we don't get to see very often. It looks like the Hawks and their families will be spending Christmas in Detroit for the Motor City Bowl which, if memory serves, is on December 26. Uh, thanks, but as tempting as that sounds, I think Melissa and I will be sitting this one out. For the first time in six years, we will miss the bowl game.
We will being going to Minneapolis next weekend to see their finale against the Gophers for Joe's birthday. I hope they do well. Joe is bringing three friends with him and we'll be staying over Friday night because of the 11:00 a.m. kickoff.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Good News (Really!)
Melissa chastised the doctors into getting the results to us today, and we were told that there is no additional cancer in the lung! There is a bacterial infection so hopefully the antibiotics I'm on now will kill that. The coughing up blood is apparently a "normal side effect" of the bronchoscopy. Hopefully, we'll get more complete results on Monday, but this is about the best news it could have been, so I'm pretty happy. I think I may go to the game tomorrow.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
What the hell happened to me?
I went to Doctor's today for more tests. Tuesday, they took another X-Ray and all the white crap in the right lung was exactly as it had been the week before. I guess I'm done with chemo now.
Dr. Heddinger had referred me to Dr. Greg Hicklin a pulmonary specialist and a good guy. After reviewing the X-ray, he concluded that their definitely was some sort of viral thing going on, and possibly additional cancer, so we needed to swab the inside of the lungs. Apparently, excepting Dr. Hicklin, it is a requirement that all other other doctors and other employees in the pulmonary field have a surgical removal of their personality before they begin working in the field.
They decided to put me under and started taking samples of all the crap in my right lung. They blew air into the lung and apparently stirred up some shit because I started running a fever which reached as high as 103.8 before finally breaking earlier this morning. My throat hurts from the tube they stuck down there yesterday, and it hurts to talk. I'm on some new antibiotics so hopefully these do the trick or else I probably have pneumanitis and will have to have a three month course of steroids.
Dr. Heddinger had referred me to Dr. Greg Hicklin a pulmonary specialist and a good guy. After reviewing the X-ray, he concluded that their definitely was some sort of viral thing going on, and possibly additional cancer, so we needed to swab the inside of the lungs. Apparently, excepting Dr. Hicklin, it is a requirement that all other other doctors and other employees in the pulmonary field have a surgical removal of their personality before they begin working in the field.
They decided to put me under and started taking samples of all the crap in my right lung. They blew air into the lung and apparently stirred up some shit because I started running a fever which reached as high as 103.8 before finally breaking earlier this morning. My throat hurts from the tube they stuck down there yesterday, and it hurts to talk. I'm on some new antibiotics so hopefully these do the trick or else I probably have pneumanitis and will have to have a three month course of steroids.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Vote Early
and Vote Often. I let you all in whatever the hell's wrong with me when the docs get around to figuring it out.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Courage
The most overused word in the dictionary
"Mr./Ms./Mrs. ______________ died Monday following a courageous battle with cancer." Nearly every obit you see where a person died of cancer starts this way. I don't feel courageous and neither does anyone else I know that has cancer. People who have fought in wars, don't feel courageous either from what I have seen and heard. Even decorated vets typically say (if they talk about it at all), "I was just doing my job. " Having cancer is a lot the same. You do what you have to do and move on.
And generally speaking annoucers that use this word when referring to athletes, and (God help us) athletes that use this word when referring to themselves need to be smacked. The day it takes courage to be paid $5 million a year to go across the middle, you can sign me up.
Maybe my obit can start, "Mr. Clarke died of cancer Monday like 550,000 other Americans will this year, and over five million have during the past decade. Severe underfunding of basic research at the federal level, and ignorance and/or intentional misrepresentation by various governmental officals of what would occur if stem cell research were allowed and funded at an adequate level, contributed to his death."
"Mr./Ms./Mrs. ______________ died Monday following a courageous battle with cancer." Nearly every obit you see where a person died of cancer starts this way. I don't feel courageous and neither does anyone else I know that has cancer. People who have fought in wars, don't feel courageous either from what I have seen and heard. Even decorated vets typically say (if they talk about it at all), "I was just doing my job. " Having cancer is a lot the same. You do what you have to do and move on.
And generally speaking annoucers that use this word when referring to athletes, and (God help us) athletes that use this word when referring to themselves need to be smacked. The day it takes courage to be paid $5 million a year to go across the middle, you can sign me up.
Maybe my obit can start, "Mr. Clarke died of cancer Monday like 550,000 other Americans will this year, and over five million have during the past decade. Severe underfunding of basic research at the federal level, and ignorance and/or intentional misrepresentation by various governmental officals of what would occur if stem cell research were allowed and funded at an adequate level, contributed to his death."
Friday, November 03, 2006
The Fear is Gone
Crash Davis: "You gotta play this game with fear and arrogance."
Nuke LaLoosh: "Right. Fear and ignorance."
Crash Davis: "No. Fear and arrogance, you, hayseed, not ignorance!"
Nuke LaLoosh: "I know. I just like to see you get all worked up. "
--Bull Durham
Andy Dufresne: "I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living, or get busy dying. "
Red: "Get busy living... or get busy dying. That's god damn right..."
--The Shawshank Redemption
Fear. Everybody has had it. Fear of getting fired, fear of not getting the promotion, fear that we love someone who may not love us back, fear of having and raising kids, fear of dying or fear of living alone, fear of pain, and so on. However, once I got the diagnoses that I was a bonus winner in cancer game (that's two primary cancers (brain and lung) for those of you keeping score at home), the fear is gone. All of the fears I had before the lung cancer diagnosis are gone. They are completely irrelevant to my life now. The only real worries (not fears) that I have are that I don't have enough life insurance for Melissa and the boys and whether or not I'm going to heaven, hell, or purgatory. (At least I think purgatory is still an option in the Catholic church).
The fear has been replaced with an almost overwhemling feeling of sadness that I feel at times. Sad that Melissa and I won't grow old together and I won't be able to drive her crazy by wearing dark socks with tennis shoes all the time. Sad that I won't see the boys grow up and graduate from high school, college, and graduate school. Sad that when Melissa and I talk about our future and living in a condo downtown somewhere after the kids are grown, it seems about as likely as winning the lottery.
But nevertheless, I've decided to play the rest of the game with arrogance (or hell, maybe it is ignorance) because the fear is gone. But averages are just that. The Clarkes have always been above average, so I'm planning on outliving my November 2007 "drop dead" date. We're getting busy living and making travel plans for 2007 and hopefully 2008 pretty soon.
Without fear, but with arrogance (or maybe ignorance), I'll see all of you soon.
Tom
Nuke LaLoosh: "Right. Fear and ignorance."
Crash Davis: "No. Fear and arrogance, you, hayseed, not ignorance!"
Nuke LaLoosh: "I know. I just like to see you get all worked up. "
--Bull Durham
Andy Dufresne: "I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living, or get busy dying. "
Red: "Get busy living... or get busy dying. That's god damn right..."
--The Shawshank Redemption
Fear. Everybody has had it. Fear of getting fired, fear of not getting the promotion, fear that we love someone who may not love us back, fear of having and raising kids, fear of dying or fear of living alone, fear of pain, and so on. However, once I got the diagnoses that I was a bonus winner in cancer game (that's two primary cancers (brain and lung) for those of you keeping score at home), the fear is gone. All of the fears I had before the lung cancer diagnosis are gone. They are completely irrelevant to my life now. The only real worries (not fears) that I have are that I don't have enough life insurance for Melissa and the boys and whether or not I'm going to heaven, hell, or purgatory. (At least I think purgatory is still an option in the Catholic church).
The fear has been replaced with an almost overwhemling feeling of sadness that I feel at times. Sad that Melissa and I won't grow old together and I won't be able to drive her crazy by wearing dark socks with tennis shoes all the time. Sad that I won't see the boys grow up and graduate from high school, college, and graduate school. Sad that when Melissa and I talk about our future and living in a condo downtown somewhere after the kids are grown, it seems about as likely as winning the lottery.
But nevertheless, I've decided to play the rest of the game with arrogance (or hell, maybe it is ignorance) because the fear is gone. But averages are just that. The Clarkes have always been above average, so I'm planning on outliving my November 2007 "drop dead" date. We're getting busy living and making travel plans for 2007 and hopefully 2008 pretty soon.
Without fear, but with arrogance (or maybe ignorance), I'll see all of you soon.
Tom
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Last Minute Election Issue
What you should know about Stem Cell research
If you are still undecided on who to vote for, or which side you should be on on the stem cell research, here are some additional resources. An article entitled "Stem Cell Politics" from the New England Journal of Medicine can be found here:
http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/full/355/16/1633?query=TOC
A pretty dry article from the same source regarding FDA Regulation of stem cell research is here:
http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/full/355/16/1730?query=TOC
A quick and dirty rundown of the issue can be found here:
http://www.wired.com/news/technology/medtech/0,71401-0.html
and this is just plain interesting for those of you that think it's a political issue:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/3700015.stm
and this link is funny in the sense that I stumbled upon it in a footnote from a familyresearchcouncil.org position paper, wherein three of the four doctors in the citation actually support expanded research into stem cells. The fourth doctor is employed by the Family Research Council:
http://commerce.senate.gov/hearings/witnesslist.cfm?id=1323
Stem cell research probably won't do me any good personally (I expect my time to be up before any cures are found), but it is the right and moral thing to do. Thanks again for taking the time to look at this stuff.
Tom
If you are still undecided on who to vote for, or which side you should be on on the stem cell research, here are some additional resources. An article entitled "Stem Cell Politics" from the New England Journal of Medicine can be found here:
http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/full/355/16/1633?query=TOC
A pretty dry article from the same source regarding FDA Regulation of stem cell research is here:
http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/full/355/16/1730?query=TOC
A quick and dirty rundown of the issue can be found here:
http://www.wired.com/news/technology/medtech/0,71401-0.html
and this is just plain interesting for those of you that think it's a political issue:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/3700015.stm
and this link is funny in the sense that I stumbled upon it in a footnote from a familyresearchcouncil.org position paper, wherein three of the four doctors in the citation actually support expanded research into stem cells. The fourth doctor is employed by the Family Research Council:
http://commerce.senate.gov/hearings/witnesslist.cfm?id=1323
Stem cell research probably won't do me any good personally (I expect my time to be up before any cures are found), but it is the right and moral thing to do. Thanks again for taking the time to look at this stuff.
Tom
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