The Fear is Gone

Crash Davis: "You gotta play this game with fear and arrogance."

Nuke LaLoosh: "Right. Fear and ignorance."

Crash Davis: "No. Fear and arrogance, you, hayseed, not ignorance!"

Nuke LaLoosh: "I know. I just like to see you get all worked up. "

--Bull Durham



Andy Dufresne: "I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living, or get busy dying. "

Red: "Get busy living... or get busy dying. That's god damn right..."

--The Shawshank Redemption


Fear. Everybody has had it. Fear of getting fired, fear of not getting the promotion, fear that we love someone who may not love us back, fear of having and raising kids, fear of dying or fear of living alone, fear of pain, and so on. However, once I got the diagnoses that I was a bonus winner in cancer game (that's two primary cancers (brain and lung) for those of you keeping score at home), the fear is gone. All of the fears I had before the lung cancer diagnosis are gone. They are completely irrelevant to my life now. The only real worries (not fears) that I have are that I don't have enough life insurance for Melissa and the boys and whether or not I'm going to heaven, hell, or purgatory. (At least I think purgatory is still an option in the Catholic church).

The fear has been replaced with an almost overwhemling feeling of sadness that I feel at times. Sad that Melissa and I won't grow old together and I won't be able to drive her crazy by wearing dark socks with tennis shoes all the time. Sad that I won't see the boys grow up and graduate from high school, college, and graduate school. Sad that when Melissa and I talk about our future and living in a condo downtown somewhere after the kids are grown, it seems about as likely as winning the lottery.

But nevertheless, I've decided to play the rest of the game with arrogance (or hell, maybe it is ignorance) because the fear is gone. But averages are just that. The Clarkes have always been above average, so I'm planning on outliving my November 2007 "drop dead" date. We're getting busy living and making travel plans for 2007 and hopefully 2008 pretty soon.

Without fear, but with arrogance (or maybe ignorance), I'll see all of you soon.

Tom