Stupid Shit That People Say

I realize that people are often shocked by the news that you have cancer, but the following advice (unless solicted by the person) and platitudes should be avoided , becuase they don't help and tend to piss the person with cancer off. Without further ado, here's a partial list of actual comments to me and my wife:

1. "It's God's Will," or it's close cousin "everything happens for a reason." These seem to be favorites amongst the holy roller crowd. Response: Did you ever consider that God missed and tagged the wrong fucking guy? Is that so inconceivable with five billion people roaming the planet?? Did God make you fat and stupid for a reason or do you just eat too much and not study in school?

2. "You have to take it one day at a time." I decided to take it three days at a time, thank you very much, you dope addled AA/NA freak.

3. "God never gives you more than you can handle." Oh yeah, why are there so many suicides then? Also see #1 above.

4. "My ___________ (mom, sister, grandparent, friend, etc. ) had ____________ cancer and he/she decided to undergo radiation/chemo and is just fine now." Well, that solves it. I guess I'll just depend on your mom's (sister's, etc.) judgment on what I should do for my more serious and completely different cancer. Bruce, who is one of my best friends, actually told me in 2002 that he thought I should undergo brain radiation because his uncle had undergone radiation (for testicular cancer) and it had worked for him. I told Bruce that as much as I appreciated the comparison of my brain to his uncle's balls, I had decided to defer radiation.

5. Offers to help. Don't make them unless you intend to follow through. I actually had one friend who called me about 45 minutes before I was scheduled for an oncologist appointment (which he had agreed to take me to 2 weeks earlier) and asked me to reschedule the appointment because he was busy at work. "Uh, yeah, I'll get right on that. It's not like time is of the essence or anything." Offer to do what you can, get me out of the house for a lunch or a beer, but don't offer to do things (like mow my lawn, for another example) if you're not going to follow through. It makes more work for me and my family than had you not offered in the first place.

6. "You don't look like you have cancer." There's a special circle of Hell for these people (and yet you know that they have never heard of, much less read Dante's Inferno). What exactly am I supposed to like? The less offensive version of this is "you look good." While it's nice to hear if you're feeling okay, but if you feel like shit it takes on the air of the old skit on SNL "You look mahvelous" (by Billy Crystal I think). Ask how I'm feeling first, and then comment if the situation warrants it.

7 . "Come on down." Well, people don't really say this, but I swear every every waiting room in America has that goddamned The Price Is Right blaring at about 120 decibels even though no one is watching it. If you ever read a headline that Bob Barker and Johnny What'shisname (the announcer) have been murdered, my picture will be right next to the article. No jury will ever convict me.