A Great Christmas

If this was the Last One, at Least it was a Good One

"At Christmas play, and make good cheer,
for Christmas comes but once a year."
--Thomas Tusser

I truly enjoyed this Christmas season. It probably was the most shopping I have ever done. This unemployed thing is not without its perks. Stress free shopping during the day (and early in the season) at the mall. I even used the handicapped permit I have for parking a couple of times.

Dinner was marvelous as usual (after all Melissa cooked it), the company for Christmas was delightful, and I received a bunch of gifts (almost as many as Jack and Joe!!). The Puerto Rican rum and the Crown Royal Reserve were especially appreciated, as were all of the Books and gift cards I received.

Amongst the other books which she bought for me, Melissa bought me Miriam Engelberg's "Cancer Made Me a Shallower Person." It's great and I have read it already (okay, okay, it is a cartoon book). You can purchase your own copy from Amazon.com but if you need a preview, it's availible on her website, which you can find here: http://www.miriamengelberg.com/comics_mainpg.htm

The lights were brighter, the music better, and people more enjoyable than probably any Christmas since I was a kid. In short a great holiday. Hope to hear from you all soon and hope your holiday was as wonderful as mine.

Merry Christmas

(and drink your Gin & Tonicah's, cause it's time for Hanukkah)

Not Happy Holidays. Not Holiday Greetings. Merry Christmas. It's a celebration of Christ's birth. My sons' school which we've otherwise been very pleased with has changed the lyrics on the Christmas songs, placing "winter" where Christmas is supposed to go. So now it's the "Twelve Days of Winter" and so forth. Political correctness run amok.

To add insult to injury, this public school is teaching my kid Hanukkah songs. When asked for an explanation as to the discrepancy, we never really got one from the teacher or the school. So, instead of wasting what little time I have left arguing with school administrators about the issue, I went the subversive route: I played Adam Sandler's "The Chanukah Song" for my older son knowing that by the end of this week every 5th grader at his school would be singing it as well. :-)

Thanks for the help on the rain songs. I can't believe I missed the Prince, Led Zep and James Taylor entries. Must be chemo brain. I trust no one cheated by using iTunes, Napster, Google and the like. I mean, hell, I can do that. I actually came up with four more on my own that oddly enough, weren't mentioned by anyone:

No Rain Blind Melon
I Love a Rainy Night Eddie Rabbitt
Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head B.J. Thomas
Fixing a Hole The Beatles

BTW, there's a new link on the left. She's funny and clever, and unfortunately, recently widowed due to cancer. Check out her blog.

"For there is born to you this day in the City of David, a Savior, who is Christ the Lord."

Luke 2:11

Surprised you mom, didn't I? Merry Christmas!

Couldn't Stand the Weather

That's that the title of a Stevie Ray Vaughn album (or as Wendy (26 years old) calls them, "Big CD's"), but the weather here today is just plain, old fashioned, crappy. It is currently 35 degrees and raining on the shortest (2nd shortest?) day of the year. The only weather I hate worse is when it's real cold (like negative 20 degrees farenheit with a wind chill of about 40 below).

One thing I've been doing between researching my cancer, planning trips, planning my funeral (but more importantly my Irish wake) :-) is thinking up themed CD's. I have one entiled Rain and here's what I have so far:

Rain

1. Like the Weather Natalie Merchant and the 10,000 Maniacs
2. Who’ll Stop the Rain CCR
3. Rain The Beatles

Any Suggestions?


P.S. to Aaron: How you coming on your top 25 all-time albums? I'll give you two of mine: The Who, Who Are You? and Alanis Morissette, Jagged Little Pill.

Don't Look Back

"Don't look back. Something might gaining on you."

"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching."

"You win a few, you lose a few. Some get rained out. But you got to dress for them all."


Can you match these quotes with the people that said them?













Wrong. They are all attributed to Satchel Paige, the great Negro League pitcher. Satchel was both a great quote and perhaps the greatest pitcher of his generation. Though he didn't get to pitch in the major leagues until he was 45 years old, he acquitted himself well, going 6-1 with a 2.48 E.R.A. to help Cleveland to the 1948 pennant. He pitched regularly until 1954 when he was 50 years old. A major league lifetime ERA of 3.29. Amazing. I knew the first quote came from Paige, wasn't sure about the second, and thought the third quote was from the movie Bull Durham. I should have known that Hollywood writers were too dumb to come up with a line like that.

Anyway, people seem to want to know "how you got cancer", as if it was some social disease. Damned if I know, and it doesn't really matter anyway. The fact is I have it, and I need to deal with the cards I've been dealt. There's something that Melissa and I did at the outset of this ordeal back in late 2002. We made a deal that win, lose or draw, we would not ever second guess our decisions because: (1) It can drive you insane; and (2) It's pointless. The current situation is what it is, and no amount of second guessing is going to change that.

Our last visit to the doctor didn't go so good. My lung is still filled with crap, and the brain MRI discovered a couple of small metasteses, including one on the brain stem. It looks like the end game is in sight, but we'll try to find the right balance between quality vs. quantity of life. Don't look back.

General Observations

"Do you ever notice that....?"
--Andy Rooney

That the brightest, most articulate couples that you know are always the ones that can't have children or least have trouble conceiving them, whereas every trailer park family has six kids with collective I.Q. of about 70? And let me tell you, as someone who represented a fair number of these people, it ain't because they don't smoke and don't drink.

That the problem with cancer blogs is that your friends keep dying? It makes you think you're bad luck after a while.

That the font size of mail notices that say "IMPORTANT" or "DO NOT DISCARD" is in direct inverse proportion to their actual importance? The IRS never stamps that stuff on their notices.

That when you are behind some moron driving erractically they are invariably on a cell phone?

That when someone is talking too loud in a public place, the conversation is never interesting even though the person wants us all to hear it.

That the losers from your high school all ended up with good paying federal jobs. Unfortunately, they all ended up with the same job, working at the TSA screening for dangerous people like the 90 year old lady in the wheelchair (and 60 year old judges :-) ) and dangerous carryons like shampoo and toothpaste.

That customer service is an oxymoron? I have a Pioneer Airware unit (basically a portable XM unit) that cost probably $250-300 new. I enjoyed the unit but springs that hold on the back door sprung. After 1 1/2 hours on the phone, I was told that "It's not a warranty issue." I called the boss, had to leave a message, and he finally called me back a week later. This is for a part that costs $9.44 on their website (retail).

That people with those Bluetooth phones and headsets are some of the most self important people you will ever meet. I always walk up to them when they are in mid-conversation (of course it's always in public that they have these things) and ask them if they need help landing the Boeing 767. Well, not really, but it would be pretty funny, wouldn't it?

That people are now more shocked when people display common courtesy such as saying "please" and "thank you", open a door for them, or letting them pull in front of you in traffic, than they are by expletives. I guess common courtesy really isn't that common anymore. Maybe we all should see if we can shock a few people this holiday season.

Have a good weekend. Feel free to add your own "did you ever notice" in the comments section.

Back from Philly

The Sights and Sounds from the Birthplace of A Nation

Got back from Philadelphia late Sunday. Dad and I flew out with "The Uncle" and my aunt. It was beautiful (about 70 degrees and Sunny) when we got there. We were met at the airport by my aunt's friend, Gar Joseph, who's a newspaper columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News , and he drove us back to the hotel after we waited 1 1/2 hours for our luggage to be unloaded from the plane (thanks American Airlines).

We went out to dinner at Spasso's, at Gar's suggestion, and it was great. After, dinner Dad and I had a drink at the Penn View Bar & Grill, across the street from our hotel. On, Friday, we went to see Constitution Hall, the U.S. Mint, the Liberty Bell and the Building that initially housed the U.S. Supreme Court. The Supreme Court shared the building during this initial time period with Philadelphia Municipal Court so the courtroom had a jury box and a prisoner box.

I also had my first real Philly Cheesesteak at a hole in the wall convenience store located somewhere around 12th and Market. It was awesome!!

On Saturday, we went to the Army-Navy game at Lincoln Finanical Field. My cousin Tim is a cadet at West Point. It was very cool with all of the pagentry including Navy jets and Army helicopters buzzing the stadium, the cadets in their dress blues (Navy) and grays (Army), (attendance is mandatory), great bands and 70,000 of the best behaved most polite football fans you've ever seen. The only person who swore the whole day was me and that was only one "goddammit" when the Army QB let his 2nd interception fly (which was returned for a TD). It was a good game until there were about 10 minutes left. All in all, a very good time. On Sunday, we came back after getting a picture with "Rocky" at the Philedelphia Museum of Art. Our first flight was cancelled (thanks again, American Airlines) so it took a while to get back.

The football Hawkeyes are playing Texas in the Alamo Bowl. They're gonna their collective butts kicked.

Once again, Steve Alford's underacheiving basketball team (has their been any other kind since this asshole has been around?), achieved yet another "first": the first loss to UNI at home in 25 years, which if memory serves, makes it the first loss since Carver-Hawkeye was constructed.

On the cancer front, I felt okay this weekend, and felt real good yesterday(I actually did some Christmas shopping).

With fear and arrogance (or maybe it's ignorance?),

Tom

Feelin' Alright (Not Feeling Too Good Myself)

SEEMS I'VE GOT TO HAVE A CHANGE OF SCENES
CAUSE EVERYNIGHT I HAVE THE STRANGEST DREAMS
IMPRISONED BY THE WAY IT COULD HAVE BEEN
LEFT HERE ON MY OWN OR SO IT SEEMS
I'VE GOT TO LEAVE BEFORE I START TO SCREAM
SOMEONE LOCKED THE DOOR AND TURNED THE KEY
FEELING ALRIGHT
I'M NOT FEELING TOO GOOD MYSELF

--Joe Cocker

Long time, no write. Lots of news to catch up on. I started on a massive dose of steroids (80 mg/day initially) and have been tolerating them remarkably well. These are Prednisone which different than what I had been taking (Decadron). I have been sleeping 6 1/2 hours night without any of "Mother's Little Helpers" (Lunesta). I do sleep a couple of hours longer with the Lunesta, but despite what they say, there is a hangover effect. The steroids appear to be working, and my cough has all but disappeared. It reappeared over the weekend, but seems to be better on Monday, worse on Tuesday and Wednesday. We took a picture of the lung. A little bit of improvement but not much. Going to continue on the steroid course until further notice.

We had a great Thanksgiving this year. Melissa outdid herself with dinner, and I think most everyone agreed. The only bummer was that it was so good that there wasn't any leftover gravy, and only about 2 lbs. of turkey (out of 22 lbs.) left. The leftovers after everyone is gone is one of my favorite parts of Thankgiving. Given that the over/under on my life span according to the doctors (and most of the medical literature) is up on November 12, 2007, I can't help but thinking that this was my last Thanksgiving, next month is my last Christmas, and so on. I usually don't dwell on this stuff, but I have been crying a lot lately and not sleeping very well the past few nights.

My youngest sister, Stephanie, got engaged on Sunday onher drive home to Chicago. It's nice to have some good news for a change. She's talking about a wedding in Des Moines in August which works out well for me.

I'm going to the Army/Navy football game in Philly this weekend with Dad. We're leaving tomorrow morning bright and early. It should be a good time.

[P]Neumon[itis]

The Operation was a Success, But the Patient Died

"Hello, Newman."--Jerry Seinfeld

"What, me worry?"--Alfred E. Neuman

I thought I had something simple like pneumonia, but NO-O-O-O. It now appears that I have something called pneumonitis which is an inflammation of the lung tissue, caused by either radiation or possibly chemotherapy. I'm going to confer with Dr. Heddinger tomorrow, but he was ready to go with the steroids without seeing me. We've basically ruled out everything else already. Treatment consists of a 3 month course of massive amounts of steroids. I'll basically be up 21 hours/day between now and February 15. I'll say hello to Santa for y'all.

P.S. for "the uncle"--Passing the drug test at the NFL combine is going to be a bitch.

Feedback and...

the Hawkeyes on Cheap Street.

It's been nice getting feedback from everyone I know and don't know. Talking to a wall, while it can be therapeutic outlet, does eventually get old once you figure out the wall isn't going to say anything back no matter how long you talk. So thanks for the feedback everyone near and far.

We had our huge family and friends tailgate (roughly 20 people) for the Hawks' last home game. They disappointed as they have all season, once again blowing a winnable game. What a disappointing season. I lasted about 1 1/2 quarters inside the game, and then came out and watched the remainder of the game from the van we rented on the stadium big screen. It was nice seeing family and friends that we don't get to see very often. It looks like the Hawks and their families will be spending Christmas in Detroit for the Motor City Bowl which, if memory serves, is on December 26. Uh, thanks, but as tempting as that sounds, I think Melissa and I will be sitting this one out. For the first time in six years, we will miss the bowl game.

We will being going to Minneapolis next weekend to see their finale against the Gophers for Joe's birthday. I hope they do well. Joe is bringing three friends with him and we'll be staying over Friday night because of the 11:00 a.m. kickoff.

Good News (Really!)

Melissa chastised the doctors into getting the results to us today, and we were told that there is no additional cancer in the lung! There is a bacterial infection so hopefully the antibiotics I'm on now will kill that. The coughing up blood is apparently a "normal side effect" of the bronchoscopy. Hopefully, we'll get more complete results on Monday, but this is about the best news it could have been, so I'm pretty happy. I think I may go to the game tomorrow.

What the hell happened to me?

I went to Doctor's today for more tests. Tuesday, they took another X-Ray and all the white crap in the right lung was exactly as it had been the week before. I guess I'm done with chemo now.

Dr. Heddinger had referred me to Dr. Greg Hicklin a pulmonary specialist and a good guy. After reviewing the X-ray, he concluded that their definitely was some sort of viral thing going on, and possibly additional cancer, so we needed to swab the inside of the lungs. Apparently, excepting Dr. Hicklin, it is a requirement that all other other doctors and other employees in the pulmonary field have a surgical removal of their personality before they begin working in the field.

They decided to put me under and started taking samples of all the crap in my right lung. They blew air into the lung and apparently stirred up some shit because I started running a fever which reached as high as 103.8 before finally breaking earlier this morning. My throat hurts from the tube they stuck down there yesterday, and it hurts to talk. I'm on some new antibiotics so hopefully these do the trick or else I probably have pneumanitis and will have to have a three month course of steroids.

Vote Early

and Vote Often. I let you all in whatever the hell's wrong with me when the docs get around to figuring it out.

Courage

The most overused word in the dictionary

"Mr./Ms./Mrs. ______________ died Monday following a courageous battle with cancer." Nearly every obit you see where a person died of cancer starts this way. I don't feel courageous and neither does anyone else I know that has cancer. People who have fought in wars, don't feel courageous either from what I have seen and heard. Even decorated vets typically say (if they talk about it at all), "I was just doing my job. " Having cancer is a lot the same. You do what you have to do and move on.

And generally speaking annoucers that use this word when referring to athletes, and (God help us) athletes that use this word when referring to themselves need to be smacked. The day it takes courage to be paid $5 million a year to go across the middle, you can sign me up.

Maybe my obit can start, "Mr. Clarke died of cancer Monday like 550,000 other Americans will this year, and over five million have during the past decade. Severe underfunding of basic research at the federal level, and ignorance and/or intentional misrepresentation by various governmental officals of what would occur if stem cell research were allowed and funded at an adequate level, contributed to his death."

The Fear is Gone

Crash Davis: "You gotta play this game with fear and arrogance."

Nuke LaLoosh: "Right. Fear and ignorance."

Crash Davis: "No. Fear and arrogance, you, hayseed, not ignorance!"

Nuke LaLoosh: "I know. I just like to see you get all worked up. "

--Bull Durham



Andy Dufresne: "I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living, or get busy dying. "

Red: "Get busy living... or get busy dying. That's god damn right..."

--The Shawshank Redemption


Fear. Everybody has had it. Fear of getting fired, fear of not getting the promotion, fear that we love someone who may not love us back, fear of having and raising kids, fear of dying or fear of living alone, fear of pain, and so on. However, once I got the diagnoses that I was a bonus winner in cancer game (that's two primary cancers (brain and lung) for those of you keeping score at home), the fear is gone. All of the fears I had before the lung cancer diagnosis are gone. They are completely irrelevant to my life now. The only real worries (not fears) that I have are that I don't have enough life insurance for Melissa and the boys and whether or not I'm going to heaven, hell, or purgatory. (At least I think purgatory is still an option in the Catholic church).

The fear has been replaced with an almost overwhemling feeling of sadness that I feel at times. Sad that Melissa and I won't grow old together and I won't be able to drive her crazy by wearing dark socks with tennis shoes all the time. Sad that I won't see the boys grow up and graduate from high school, college, and graduate school. Sad that when Melissa and I talk about our future and living in a condo downtown somewhere after the kids are grown, it seems about as likely as winning the lottery.

But nevertheless, I've decided to play the rest of the game with arrogance (or hell, maybe it is ignorance) because the fear is gone. But averages are just that. The Clarkes have always been above average, so I'm planning on outliving my November 2007 "drop dead" date. We're getting busy living and making travel plans for 2007 and hopefully 2008 pretty soon.

Without fear, but with arrogance (or maybe ignorance), I'll see all of you soon.

Tom

Last Minute Election Issue

What you should know about Stem Cell research

If you are still undecided on who to vote for, or which side you should be on on the stem cell research, here are some additional resources. An article entitled "Stem Cell Politics" from the New England Journal of Medicine can be found here:

http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/full/355/16/1633?query=TOC

A pretty dry article from the same source regarding FDA Regulation of stem cell research is here:

http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/full/355/16/1730?query=TOC

A quick and dirty rundown of the issue can be found here:

http://www.wired.com/news/technology/medtech/0,71401-0.html

and this is just plain interesting for those of you that think it's a political issue:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/3700015.stm


and this link is funny in the sense that I stumbled upon it in a footnote from a familyresearchcouncil.org position paper, wherein three of the four doctors in the citation actually support expanded research into stem cells. The fourth doctor is employed by the Family Research Council:

http://commerce.senate.gov/hearings/witnesslist.cfm?id=1323

Stem cell research probably won't do me any good personally (I expect my time to be up before any cures are found), but it is the right and moral thing to do. Thanks again for taking the time to look at this stuff.

Tom

Good News :-)

An entirely appropriate Halloween blog

According to the latest statistics available from the Center for Disease Control (2003 figures, released 4/19/06) , I'm going to live to least age 45. Or at least, I'm not going to die of cancer before age 45. Only 2,478 people a year die from "Malignant neoplasms of [the] trachea, bronchus and lung." I'm more likely to have an Acute myocardial infarction (3094 deaths/year), Chronic liver disease and cirrhosis) 3020 deaths/year), die in a car accident (6961 deaths/year) suicide (6602 deaths/year), accidental poisoning and exposure to noxious substances (6230 deaths/ year) and homicide (3110 deaths/year) than I am to die from lung cancer.

My friend Aaron, age 27, is even more likely to make it to age 35. Only 154 people per year in his age bracket die of "Malignant neoplasms of the trachea, bronchus and lung." In fact he is far more likely to die of diabetes (657 deaths/year in his age bracket), any number of heart diseases, pneumonia (360 deaths/year), boat/airplane accidents (243 deaths/year), falls (watch your step!) (285 deaths per year), drowning (356 deaths/ year), and "accidental exposure to smoke fire and flames." (252 deaths/year)

For those of you with the same twisted sense of humor as me, you can check it out yourself here:

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr54/nvsr54_13.pdf

The stats start on page 30.

Last chemo treatment today. I'm not looking forward to it. I've been coughing up brown shit for a week.

And now for something completely different:

I went to a political rally for Chet Culver yesterday (he's running for governor in Iowa) be cause the topic of the day was stem cell research and Michael J. Fox was speaking. He was pretty funny (even though he appeared to be in rough shape) but I really didn't learn anything. It was first and foremost a political rally. I have some more interesting stuff on stem cell research I'll try to get posted before next Tuesday in case any of you are undecided on who you're voting for.

Go Irish

A Thriller in South Bend

About the only upside to this whole being on disability/terminal illness thing is you get to say "screw it" and start doing a s many of the things you always wanted to do in life as you can. One thing I always wanted to see was a Notre Dame football game. My friend Bruce gave me a birthday gift of two tickets and his chauffeur services for the weekend, and so my older son Joe and I went to the game.

Once my new oncology found out I was going he invited us to his tailgate (He went to N.D. as an undergrad and is a season ticketholder). I mentioned that if he had an extra ticket, we could use one. Lo and behold, the good doctor called Friday night with an extra ticket for Bruce. Joe went swimming at the hotel while I watched.

On Saturday, we went to campus early and all bundled up for what we expected to be a cold and rainy day Joe had on his N.D. jersey. The campus is beautiful. We saw the "Touchdown Jesus" on the library and Joe got his picture taken in front of it. We then we to the Eck Center hoping to get a campus tour, but they don't give them on football weekends despite what the website says. Joe wanted (and we purchased) a book from some old (Class of '44) N.D. alum who was hawking his book inside the center. He autographed the book for Joe , and then we went next door to the bookstore. It was an absolute zoo, but Joe found an instant camera and a "fan pack" (pennant, bumper sticker, and pin) for himself, and rather selflessly picked out a very cool green #83 jersey for his little brother. (More on that later.) We did get Joe a stocking cap for the game, too.

Coming out of the bookstore, we ran into the cheerleaders and the N.D. Leprechaun. Joe got his picture taken with the latter. On our way to the doctor's tailgate spot, the pep band and the Irish Guard came by. We got closeups of both. At the tailgate, we were introduced to the doctor's family members, other friends, and his fiancee's family. They were all very nice people and the two of the doctor's future brothers in law took Joe to meet the team coming out of Mass. Joe got to high five Brady Quinn (the QB) which had to be quite a thrill for him. At the tailgate, I took a shot of Crown Royal, from my Grandfather O'Brien's flask and said a silent prayer for him in the direction of Touchdown Jesus which was visible from our tailgating spot. Grandpa O'Brien, prior to his death in 2004, had advised Joe to go to college at N.D. After awhile, nature called so to speak. The doctor advised us to go to the second floor of the Joyce Center, where there were absolutely no lines. No lines for the bathroom on a football Saturday??!! Now that's a doctor who can inspire confidence in his abilities! :-)

We then went to the game where a lackluster N.D. team who could not run the ball (35 carries, 41 yards) got the ball back on their own 20 yard line with 1:02 to play and zero timeouts, trailing 17-13. The people behind us (who had been bitching about head Coach Charlie Weis the whole game), left after the Irish turned the ball over on downs with 2:25 left to play. I joked to the person next to me that "they must be (Los Angeles) Dodger fans, too." After two complete passes to the UCLA 45 yard line, Quinn hit #83 Jeff Samardzija (pronounced "sa-mar-ja") who broke off his route and ran a 15 yard flag inside, broke two tackles, and stumbled on his way to the end zone. He scored with 27 seconds to play. Final score: Notre Dame 20, UCLA 17. So Joe was omniscient enough to get his brother the star player's jersey in the very cool green color.

All in all, a great weekend.

Vote!

Stem Cell Research

I am doing something I've never done before. I'm asking you to vote based this November based upon your Senators and Representatives Votes for or against House Resolution 810 (Stem Cell Research Enhancement Act of 2005). As you may be aware, President Bush recently vetoed the bill that had easily Passed in both the house and the Senate. The Bill passed the House 238-194 and the Senate 63-37.

This is a serious issue.
"Lung cancer is expected to kill 162,000 Americans in 2006. Nearly 19,000 people will be diagnosed with brain tumors and nearly 13,000 will die from them, while ovarian cancer will kill more than 15,000 women this year."http://virtualtrials.com/news3.cfm?item=3651 That's a city the size of Des Moines dying every year, folks from just those three kinds of cancer. I think government statistics put the total from all cancer deaths at about 250,000 annually, but I don't have a link handy for that.

I recommend that you educate yourself on the stem cell issue by reading the following article recently published in the New England Journal of Medicine: http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/full/355/12/1189?query=TOC

Here is the text of the bill:

http://frwebgate.access.gpo.gov/cgi-bin/getdoc.cgi?dbname=109_cong_bills&docid=f:h810enr.txt.pdf


Everyone from the ultra-liberal Diane Feinstein to arch-conservative Trent Lott voted for the bill. Unfortunately, President Bush vetoed the bill basically citing three things:

1. Human Embryos are sacred and shoudn't be used for research.
2. That adult stem cells offer as much promise as embryonic stem cells.
3. That embronic stem cells have not shown much, if any promise.

To which the answers are:

1. The fertility clinics are currently throwing the unused embyros in the garbage. That proves life is sacred??!!
2 and 3. Read the New England Journal Article for a refutation of these arguments.

Here are the links for how each member of Congress voted:

http://www.senate.gov/legislative/LIS/roll_call_lists/roll_call_vote_cfm.cfm?congress=109&session=2&vote=00206

http://clerk.house.gov/evs/2005/roll204.xml

In Iowa, we do not have a Senate race this year (although for future reference Harkin voted for H.R. 810 and Grassley voted against it). Otherwise, in Iowa, its a straight party line vote with the Democrats in favor of H.R. 810 and Republicans against it. This includes the seat vacated by Jim Nussle (who voted against H.R. 810) with Democrat Bruce Braley in favor of H.R. 810 and Republican Mike Whalen stating that the veto of H.R. 810 was proper and that he doesn't believe in government funding of reasearch. Caveat: You should check on how your own representatives and senators voted on H.R. 810. As stated above, several Republicans did vote for H.R. 810 so if you're not in Iowa, you need to check for yourself on how he or she voted.

In all likelihood, anything that develops from this research will be too late to save me, but with 250,000 this deaths a year, this issue will affect everyone at some point in their life. While I've never been a one issue voter in the past, I believe that this issue is important enough to change my self imposed "vote for the best candidate" policy. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Tom

The Joys of Chemo, Part II

My Cancer Story
I had forgotten about the nasty little itchy rash that appears about three days after chemo. I've been taking Benadryl to kill the itch, and it seems to help somewhat. The rash goes all the way around my waist on my upper chest and back, and this time I have a few spots on my legs as well. Aaahhh, Chemotherapy, let me count the ways I hate thee.

links

Links

• Google News


• Where's my p53


• Alicia's Story

The Joys of Chemotherapy

My Cancer Story

Ah, chemotherapy....It's hard to imagine that just 940mg of carboplatin and 360 mg of taxol could bring so much pleasure. Whether it's sleeplessness, hair falling out everywhere, acne all over my back, or just general malaise, this has been a real treat. Took my taxes up to my accountant the other day, and he told me that when his mother was undergoing chemo (she has since passed away), they took a family trip to Minnesota, and while everyone else was being eaten alive by mosquitoes, they wouldn't touch his mother. See the comments regarding "medicine" below.

My joints are hurting today. Took the sleeping pills my Rx prescribed and actually have had back to back nights of decent sleep. Haven't had any glow in the dark butterflies in my sleep yet, though. Having friends over for dinner tonight. I'm going to get back on my regimen of killing those little bastard cancer cells my way: with Crown Royal.

As an aside, I'm giving up for now on trying to figure out how to work the links thing on the left of this page. Please go see my friend Aaron's site at:

http://wheresmyp53.blogspot.com/

He is 27 years old, a recent law school grad (God help him) and has the same kind of lung cancer I do. Please check it out.

Plagarizing myself plagarizing Pink Floyd

Was pumped of chemo yesterday. Feel like shit. Still need to do my taxes. What's passing for semi-insightful commentary today is a comment I made on another blog a couple of days ago. Without further ado my comments on time left to live:

You're right. Everyone with cancer thinks about it. Whenever I think about it, I am always always reminded of the lyrics from Pink Floyd's Time:


Ticking away the moments that make up a a dull day

you fritter and and waste the moments in an offhand way

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown,

Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain,

You are young and life is long and there is time to kill to today

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you

No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

There always to be too much time when youre young and too little as you grow older. Cancer teaches you to priortize in a hurry.

I Hate Cancer- Speak

I am neither a "victim" nor a "survivor." Victimhood is for whiners and say what you will about me, I am not a whiner. A bitcher maybe, but not a whiner. Survivors are for events of human action or inaction whether intentional such as wars or Nazi death camps or unintentional events such as auto accidents. So far as I know, nobody passed the cancer bug onto me, so I am not a survivor of anything. This leads us directly into the next term I hate, which is "cure."

The doctors, no matter learned in their specialty or subspecialty will not "cure" me. When you are talking about cancer, living five years (after diagnosis, not after treatment begins, so as to inflate the Rx's self-congratulatory studies) is considered "cured." Of course, just like George Orwell's Animal Farm, some cancers are more equal than others, and therefore if I make it to May 10, 2008, (two years after diagnosis of lung cancer) I am cured of lung cancer. Doesn't
really matter if I buy the farm the next day, I've been cured, dammit.

Giving you "medicine." Any doctor, nurse or anyone else who says this ought to be smacked. It's poison you're giving me, and you and I both know it. There's a reason you're standing on one side of the six inch thick lead door and I'm on the other. There's a reason humans who abuse every other substance known to man, natural or man made, aren't stealing carboplatin from hospitals. I understand the theory that maybe this stuff will kill the cancer before I die of poisoning, but don't insult my intelligence and call it "medicine."

Things to be Thankful For

After my rant the other day, it occurred to me that I probably sound like an ingrate because a people have done a ton of nice things for me as detailed below. I am sure I've left out a number of people and things, but at the risk of offending the people I've inevitably left out, here goes nothing:

I am thankful for my wife Melissa whose incredible inner strength has allowed me to make it through 68 radiation treatments and a bunch of chemo treaments . I could never make it without you, Hon. I promise the next decade will be better. :-)

I am thankful for my two boys for being respectful, polite and helping out when we need them to.

Thanks to Bandstra, Bellus, Carpenter, and Dinkin for getting me out to lunch/beer once in a while.

Thanks to my parents for watching the kids when Melissa and I can't find a sitter. Thanks to my mother in law Shirley, for the same.

Thanks to Megan for the same and for calling me every once in a while.

Thanks to the Halseys, Jacquez's, Dornackers, Carpenter's, and Bellus' just for being good friends.

Thanks for everyone that gave us food and/or gift certificates when I was going through radiation. It helps a lot.

To Mom and Dad for not offerring advice on medical decisions and for pointing out that although the average lifespan of a lung cancer patient may be 12-18 months from diagnosis, the Clarkes have always been above average in everything.

To Blake and Kathy for offering to let us stay at their home every time we're in Chicago.

To people at the City who donated sick/vacation time to me and who still include me in their lunch plans.

To everyone who has helped cart our kids around.

I know that I've omitted numerous people and the things they have done.

Thank you.

Stupid Shit That People Say

I realize that people are often shocked by the news that you have cancer, but the following advice (unless solicted by the person) and platitudes should be avoided , becuase they don't help and tend to piss the person with cancer off. Without further ado, here's a partial list of actual comments to me and my wife:

1. "It's God's Will," or it's close cousin "everything happens for a reason." These seem to be favorites amongst the holy roller crowd. Response: Did you ever consider that God missed and tagged the wrong fucking guy? Is that so inconceivable with five billion people roaming the planet?? Did God make you fat and stupid for a reason or do you just eat too much and not study in school?

2. "You have to take it one day at a time." I decided to take it three days at a time, thank you very much, you dope addled AA/NA freak.

3. "God never gives you more than you can handle." Oh yeah, why are there so many suicides then? Also see #1 above.

4. "My ___________ (mom, sister, grandparent, friend, etc. ) had ____________ cancer and he/she decided to undergo radiation/chemo and is just fine now." Well, that solves it. I guess I'll just depend on your mom's (sister's, etc.) judgment on what I should do for my more serious and completely different cancer. Bruce, who is one of my best friends, actually told me in 2002 that he thought I should undergo brain radiation because his uncle had undergone radiation (for testicular cancer) and it had worked for him. I told Bruce that as much as I appreciated the comparison of my brain to his uncle's balls, I had decided to defer radiation.

5. Offers to help. Don't make them unless you intend to follow through. I actually had one friend who called me about 45 minutes before I was scheduled for an oncologist appointment (which he had agreed to take me to 2 weeks earlier) and asked me to reschedule the appointment because he was busy at work. "Uh, yeah, I'll get right on that. It's not like time is of the essence or anything." Offer to do what you can, get me out of the house for a lunch or a beer, but don't offer to do things (like mow my lawn, for another example) if you're not going to follow through. It makes more work for me and my family than had you not offered in the first place.

6. "You don't look like you have cancer." There's a special circle of Hell for these people (and yet you know that they have never heard of, much less read Dante's Inferno). What exactly am I supposed to like? The less offensive version of this is "you look good." While it's nice to hear if you're feeling okay, but if you feel like shit it takes on the air of the old skit on SNL "You look mahvelous" (by Billy Crystal I think). Ask how I'm feeling first, and then comment if the situation warrants it.

7 . "Come on down." Well, people don't really say this, but I swear every every waiting room in America has that goddamned The Price Is Right blaring at about 120 decibels even though no one is watching it. If you ever read a headline that Bob Barker and Johnny What'shisname (the announcer) have been murdered, my picture will be right next to the article. No jury will ever convict me.

Catching up

It's been about a week since I last wrote. Taking the Claritin that Dr. Heddinger suggested took care of the rash after about five days. I went and saw the U of I get their heads handed to them on Saturday by Ohio State, but we had a good time. My wife, Mom and Dad, sister Megan, brother in law Blake and his son, as well as my friend Bruce that I share tickets with, his sister, brother in law, and father all tailgated. We parked in the handicapped lot which is literally 20 feet from Kinnick stadium. I've been busy working on my 2005 taxes (I filed an extension) because the previous radiation (68 treatments this year) and chemo treatments have not afforded me the time or willpower to file yet. I've planned a trip to Ireland for my wife and I, and two other couples for February. That has also kept me busy. I'll begin writing more after taxes are done.

Anniversary

9-25-06

Went out to dinner (appetizers and drinks actually) with Melissa for our 13th anniversary. I got her roses and a couple of cards, but she got the Sunday Ticket for me. It's really cool--I love it! It was an enjoyable if a little bit of an early evening. My mom watched the kids.

9-26-06

Went and saw Dr. Heddinger about the rash that began showing up over the weekend. He said it could be a reaction to the chemo or could be due to new allergens affecting me because the chemo can alter the white blood cells. Doc said to get some Claritin and keep an eye on it.

Prologue

My Cancer Story

Prologue

I am currently 38 years old, married to a wonderful woman, Melissa, and have two great sons, Joe and Jack who are 10 and 6 years old. I am an attorney who graduated from the University of Iowa with a B.B.A. in Finance in 1990 and a J.D. (law degree) in 1993. I was self employed from 1993 through 2005, and then I worked for the City of Des Moines from 2005 until I became unable to work in 2006. As of the date that I have begun writing this, I have been given 17 months to live. I am feeling overwhelmed right now—I am trying to pack a lifetime worth of experiences for myself and my family into the next twelve months or so (while I am still relatively healthy) while simultaneously working on this story, applying for disability insurance, writing goodbye letters to my boys and wife, planning my wake and funeral, and seeing to financial arrangements. Plus my fantasy football draft is in 13 days. J

Tom Clarke
August 10, 2006
Des Moines, Iowa